How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
You Might Also Like
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket