my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.