This guy gets it.
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem