How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”