Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
You Might Also Like
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
*checks Timeline*…
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I’d hang this in my house.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”