This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
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it be like that
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall