[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
LOL
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.