If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.