Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?