DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I’m sorry…what?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.