ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
You Might Also Like
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.