As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …