It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.