If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Left at a local drug store…
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Not today, today.
Not today.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.