Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
You Might Also Like
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
$3 #books
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about