Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning