Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Lucky old June.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT