The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
You Might Also Like
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
#parenting
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.