reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture