Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”