My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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When I pack too much for a short trip.
Beware of fowl play.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together