Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Girl, same.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*