Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m not stressed
Previously On Persistence 😎
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.