Sounds like a bargain
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[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk