Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
You Might Also Like
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
live long and prosper!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
i- i did not expect this
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.