Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
You Might Also Like
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Girl, same.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Customer is always right
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.