You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
You Might Also Like
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
damn he’s good
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say