My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad