If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.