This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
You Might Also Like
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Can’t stop laughing
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I want to meet the individual who made this
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.