bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
She: I like Cats
He:
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop