One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant