Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”