Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
My teenage children choosing violence
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.