is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
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Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.