I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
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Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.