Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Perfect
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???