Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
You got this…
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
mentally somewhere in italy
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me