I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Lmaoo 😂
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Awwwww shit.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?