Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
You Might Also Like
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house