I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
They’re called werewolves.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me