wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”