{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.