While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”