British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
guilty
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.