[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
you stereotypes are all alike
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.