Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds