‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job