as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy