Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Something Saturday.